We all know the feeling. You’re trying to protect your time, your energy, or your peace, and you set a boundary. But instead of feeling empowered, you feel guilty. That’s because boundaries often come with what advice columnist Carolyn Hax calls “bad PR.” They can sound like a harsh, final “no”– a complete stop sign that shuts down the conversation.
The “bad PR” part is what happens when we focus only on the “no.” For example, “I can’t have dinner on Friday.” It’s a valid boundary, but it can leave the other person feeling rejected. The truth is, most of the time, the people we need to set boundaries with are people we care about—our partners, friends, family members, or colleagues. We don’t want to shut them out completely.
It’s hard to think about the “yes” part when you’re feeling frustrated. We get so focused on our need to say “no” that we forget to see what we’re actually open to.
But what if boundaries were less of a wall and more of a gate? This is where the “good PR” comes in. The secret is to pair the “no” with a “yes.” This is about values clarification.
You’ve decided to set a boundary. Clearly identify what your “no” is. What is important about saying no? What is the value you want to express by drawing this boundary? By understanding the value you are expressing, it’s easier to find your “yes”—what do you want for yourself and the relationship?
A disorganized colleague asks you for last minute help on a project. You’ve done this before and you are unwilling to work late because of their lack of planning. What you do want, is to be a good colleague and share your expertise when appropriate and when given adequate time.
- Instead of: “I can’t help you.”
- You might say: “I can’t help you today, but I would love to work with you in the future when we have more time to collaborate during regular work hours.”
A relative is coming from out of town and assumes they will be able to stay with you as they have in the past. You do want to spend time with them but you are unable to host because your work schedule is challenging and you need to rest.
- Instead of: “You can’t stay with us.”
- You might say: “I am looking forward to spending time with you, but we can’t host guests right now. I can recommend some nearby hotels. Can we plan for dinner on Saturday night?”
Getting clear about your values and communicating them changes the dynamic. It acknowledges your needs while also showing that you value the relationship. You’re not just saying what you won’t do; you’re offering what you are willing to do.
Boundaries don’t have to be roadblocks. By offering a path forward, you can navigate challenging situations with more grace and strengthen your relationships in the process.
Please contact me for a free coaching consultation https://annegaringcoaching.com/contact/
© Peg Hunt, MS & Anne Garing, PhD