Recently, I’ve noticed a theme with some clients where they report judging themselves negatively because navigating life and career seems more complicated than they imagined. For many of us, when we were younger, success had clearer milestones with success and failure determined by school and family expectations.
Once we leave that structure, things get murkier. What are the milestones that determine one’s success? What if the milestone that seemed to indicate success, feels hollow or not as satisfying as anticipated? It’s easy to compare ourselves to others to define success—marriage, job promotions, children, purchasing a home, etc. However, our lived experience– how the achievement of these milestones “lands for us” will feel differently for everyone, thus the murkiness. We must find our own markers of success and contentment and these things will change as we navigate the circumstances of our lives.
Success in adulthood can take many forms but it is ultimately about having one’s own vision and cultivating the self-awareness to know whether we are on the desired path or if we’ve fallen off or veered away. It’s all about the path because that’s where we spend the most time— yes, milestones are set and achieved (or not) and then new milestones are needed, and the journey begins again. It’s important to have goals (aka milestones) but we need to train ourselves to look away and pay more attention to the path and be present to what is happening on the journey.
We create a vision without full knowledge- we think we want to reach the mountain peak, but we don’t know what is around the bend in the trail. As we move through our lives different opportunities and challenges will arise that may cause us to reconsider our initial goal. For example, some clients have started out with one dream for their life or career but for different reasons changed to a different goal (e.g. not finding the right opportunity, finding that the dream was unfulfilling, recognizing competing goals that were more important). Despite the expectation of smooth sailing, we must respond to the complications of life and this is not failing, this is the pursuit of success– noticing that our goals or path no longer serve us, and making a pivot.
Success in life is about accepting the path with all its complications. Here are skills we can cultivate that will help us navigate our many different paths through career and life;
- Presence. Develop the ability to pay attention so that we know whether we are feeling satisfied or not, then use that feeling to discern what is needed. Is the feeling temporary, or something that we can work through, or do we need to create a new vision or strategy?
- Develop tolerance for learning and not knowing. We don’t have perfect foresight or a crystal ball—we will go down dead ends and find ourselves in places we don’t want to be in. When this happens, we need to keep breathing, reassess, and try something new.
- Celebrate! Learn to appreciate not just the milestones but also the noticing—the ability to recognize and savor when you are in a great place and what you appreciate about it, and just as important, when something needs to change. Because you noticed, now you can bring this awareness into your decision making and move forward with greater intention. And that is worth celebrating!
If you notice you feel stuck (hooray!) now you can take action! Talking with a coach is great way to find a new way forward. Please contact me for a free consultation.
© Anne Garing, PhD & Peg Hunt, MS